The Exchange

By Romana Annette  08/27/2008

This is about an ongoing battle for the rights of the common Starling, Sturnus vulgaris, versus the rights of the Eastern gray fox squirrel, Sciurus carolinensis.  We are stuck with as many as 200 million of the transplanted avian pests, while the British are slaughtering American squirrels on their turf.

Starlings are the rats of the bird world.  The damage caused by Starlings is worse than that caused by those other alien birds, pigeons and sparrows, combined.  They worm their way into the hidden access points of our structures, causing enormous internal damage.  Their droppings can corrode stone, metal, and masonry alike.
Their introduction to this country may have seemed innocuous in the 1890’s, but they since have caused destruction to the environment and made life difficult for many native species.  People have even implicated starlings in the extinction of the Carolina Parakeet and the Passenger Pigeon; however, whatever the extinctions, humans are still at fault, since the birds did not get here on their own.

Meanwhile, the Eastern gray fox squirrels that were introduced to Britain are now being maligned and even shot on sight.  The British certainly should have known that American squirrels were far more aggressive than the European Reds and would eventually overpower the weaker species.  This is what all-American squirrels do.

I am proposing an exchange.  We should trade the starlings to get our squirrels back.  This would, of course, require a considerable amount of effort, but American squirrels are suffering and need our help.  I am sure that the British are just dying to get their starlings back.  The British would get a good deal, since there is an estimated hundred starlings in the United States for every American squirrel in Britain .
Once we have trapped all the starlings, and the British have trapped all the squirrels, we can meet in the middle of the Atlantic for a prisoner exchange.  This is almost 20,000 tons of starlings for about 1,200 tons of squirrels.
The British can take back all their diabolical starlings, and we can take back our angelic squirrels.  Of course, the east coast of the United States will suddenly be inundated with a surplus of squirrels, but we will be able to use the time-tested methods for population control: extend the squirrel-hunting season, and import a few more mongooses.

This solution does have problems.  We have no way of keeping Canadian and Mexican starlings from crossing our borders.  Congress will just have to add this to the list of immigration problems that they are busy solving every day.  Perhaps tall nets could be added to the top of the fences being constructed, with blinking lights to warn approaching aircraft.

Next we will have to tackle the problem of all the illegal sparrows.  This will be a lot easier than for the starlings.  We will merely have to outlaw the production of French fries; with no French fries being eaten at fast-food restaurants, the sparrows will simply starve to death.

Tackling pigeons will be far more difficult.  Pigeons are popular; people even raise them.  In the end, Congress will be forced to pass laws that declare pigeons to have all the rights of any other legal, native species.

If we work together, we can solve the starling problem and save our lost squirrels.  Since millions of starlings each have little warm bodies, eliminating them from our environments will help reduce ambient temperatures, saving a certain amount of valuable land from turning to desert.