MY AUTISTIC REALITY

By Romana Annette  09/23/2007

I suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome (AS,) which is a high-functioning form of autism.  I have only known this fact since June 2006, and discovered it quite by accident, after hearing a brief comment on television.  In this matter, self-diagnosis is not recommended, but the diagnosis is considered extremely likely: both by my therapist, and by my wife, especially after she read the book The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome.

AS was named after Doctor Hans Asperger, who, in 1944, noted that there was a small subgroup of young males possessing normal and above normal intelligence, but who were often socially and physically clumsy.  However, it was not until 1994 that AS was officially added to the set of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD’s.)  People still have trouble believing that one can be extremely intelligent, but suffer from a crippling social anxiety and disability.

While AS primarily afflicts males, some females have also been diagnosed with AS.  However, females can usually deal with AS better than males, since females have always been allowed to have a wider range of emotional expression, besides being more socially adept in the first place.

There are apparently sub-groupings for AS, but they have not really been defined.  One diagnosis may cover a wide range of personalities.  One should not expect one description to fit all.

Many believe that the most notable person, with AS, may have been Albert Einstein.  Classic science fiction writers were probably also good candidates, since many of their stories were about objective scientific situations, little troubled with subjective relationships.

Many researchers say that AS is just a normal variation in a spectrum of human psyches.  Someone has to do the detailed work of programming computers and advancing science, and someone has to do much needed analysis that is unfettered by subjective prejudices.  However, in western society, personality has become more important than actual skills.

I am so high-functioning that I can almost pass for normal; but I am not very good at following any artificial social script that does not match my personality.  In terms of how well I fit into societal norms, I am simply not with the program.

Another limitation, due to a kind of ingrained conservatism, is that it is so hard to give myself permission to explore subjective situations, such as was the case when I denied that women were interesting and that I needed to start dating.

I used to think that being transsexually-oriented was my primary issue.  While gender-variance is still an issue, it turns out that AS is a far greater problem.  AS confounded the ability of me and everyone else to correctly analyze gender-identity problems, because AS can obscure the analysis and prediction of any identity issues.

There may be a large occurrence of gender issues for those who suffer from AS.  Since parents are often driving the pursuit of treatment for their kids, they really do not want to deal with a second major issue at the same time.

AS boys often do better by developing more feminine personalities, since they can be so poor at male posturing, which is a social skill.

Some typical features of my AS identity are:

·      There is an extreme dark-side to AS, that can send me into intervals of depression that simply spiral downwards.

·      I am naturally cynical and skeptical about everything.  A glass is always half-empty, never half-full, and frustration often interferes with enjoyment.

·      I cannot hear in crowded, conversation-filled rooms; the subjective noise simply becomes overwhelming.

·      I was troubled by stammering, a speech disorder, for many years, until I started to crossdress and developed a more feminine personality.

·      I do not like to talk to strangers, nor do I like to establish eye contact.

·      While, as a transwoman, I am more socially adept than as a man, I still have trouble keeping a conversation going, before the underlying AS condition sabotages my articulation.

·      When I was young, I was very much a one or two topic person.  I have matured to embrace a wide variety of topics; however, there is always some topic that is given current emphasis.

·      Also when I was young, I had a great deal of trouble with abstract concepts, but I outgrew that limitation.

·      I handle objective concepts far better than subjective matters; yet, most social interactions are extremely subjective.  If I try to tackle social situations based upon artificial scripts, I will be doomed to failure.

·      I often bring up topics in polite conversation that are inappropriate.

·      I often have to force myself to slow down and listen, since extreme introversion can send me into increasingly faster internal looping of self-analysis.

·      I often monopolize conversation, to the point that I will keep going until everyone around me decides to leave my vicinity.

·      I practice what I call Extreme Rationality.  For me, even subjective situations have to be logical.  I can annoy people by constantly analyzing everything and pointing out errors and inconsistencies.

There are atypical features of my AS personality too:

·      I am married, and we have been together for twenty-seven years.  AS males seldom manage to marry. I am still learning to take my wife’s advice, since all AS husbands function much better this way.

·      For the past twenty-nine months, I have been living full-time as a transwoman; I am far more successful than the average transsexually-oriented person.  I do this by always being myself, without impersonating or caricaturizing of any women.

·      I can take risks.  I met my wife on the radio, which was really risky!  I have been called bold and brazen at times.  However, I have learned to avoid too much immersion into the volatile part of the stock market.

·      Even though I can be obsessive-compulsive, I do not become addicted to drugs or alcohol, nor do they even interest me.

·      While I used to be atheistically-oriented, I have now risen above concepts of atheism versus fundamentalism, to purse higher philosophy, specifically: Process Philosophy.  I am developing a sense of God-relatedness.

Now that I better understand the limitations imposed by AS, I am working to use that knowledge to improve my social skills.  I have become more reticent about getting involved in casual conversations, unless I or someone else has picked a distinct topic.  I am also learning to deal with diverse viewpoints better, without having to nit-pick.  I have learned that being objectively right can hold no sway in social situations.

Non-autistic persons are often referred to as being Neurologically-Typical (NT.)  NT persons tend to be more confident about their life situations than AS persons.  NT persons can also be subject to the dark-side of depression, especially if they have an AS child.

Unlike AS persons, NT persons can mix and match objectivity and subjectivity in such a way that irrational beliefs can be taken to be logical, and personal belief systems, which may have irreconcilable components, cause no discomfort.

It is undeniable that NT persons are functionally better connected to reality than AS persons.

Often, NT persons enjoy life so much that they long for it to go on forever, possibly in a heaven after death.  Consequently, NT persons often believe in the existence of God, which is an idea that can seem totally irrational to AS persons.

Ideas of God-connectedness have been discussed in Process Philosophy, especially by Alfred North Whitehead and John B. Cobb.  Belief in God is actually not unfounded, though the nature of this God is probably nothing like cultural images, especially anthropocentric images.

I have come to believe that all our preconceived notions about reality are wrong, especially since we cannot rid ourselves of what is called our observational selection bias.  This means that we live in a universe that can support life as we know it, to which idea we assign teleological importance.

However, true reality does not conform to our preferred rules and is likely more wondrous than anything we have ever imagined!  Reality does not include just the parts that we happen to like; it includes all the objective and subjective components, whether we can see and understand them or not.