Gender-Bending
By Romana Annette 12/15/2008

I bend gender.  I started doing this casually in October 1989, but I have now been doing it full-time for more than forty months.  This is a lot like a superpower, since very few human males can bend their gender; most would not even consider the possibility to be an option.  Danger: severe emasculation can occur!  With great powers come great responsibility and risk.

I can disorient cashiers if they ask for my legal ID.  I often have to guide them through the completion of the transaction.  Some say I can tilt the entire space-time continuum.  Others say I am a gender terrorist, since I might be able to discombobulate the feint of heart.

In our culture, males who choose to feminize themselves are considered to have crossed a forbidden line in the sand.  This kind of self-humiliation and self-demeaning is not allowed.  Getting in touch with one’s feminine side is considered to be psychologically advantageous; just don’t try it yourself!  Feminization can lead to all sorts of downsides: military budgets might have to be cut, violence might go down, peace might break out, and women might feel empowered.

Women, on the other hand, feel quite free to bend gender.  After all, there is the implication that they are seeking more power.  They are not demeaning themselves, since they are supposedly pursuing masculine traits in preference to inferior feminine traits.  It never seems to occur to men that women might be appropriating masculine things for conversion to feminine power.

Many pseudo-psychiatrists have come with outlandish theories to explain why any men would want to dress as women and seek some kind of feminine power.  Perversion is too often the most prevalent descriptor.  There are theories that it is due to repressed homosexual inclinations.  While there are homosexual transgendered males, the majority are not homosexual at all.  I have been out-of-the-closet since 1989, so why would I worry about hiding latent homosexual tendencies that I do not have?

There is another outlandish prognosis called autogynephilia.  This is defined as an overriding love of women that is so intense that certain men have to emulate them down to the smallest detail.  There is no evidence that such a syndrome exists.  In addition, we live in a society that is obsessed with the pursuit of feminine beauty; so it should not seem strange that some of the pursuers could be men.

I have an excuse.  I have recently learned that I suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of autism, a social disability.  Asperger boys often do poorly with standard male posturing, but they can compensate by developing more feminine-identified qualities in their personalities.  The incidence of transgenderism among Asperger boys seems to be much higher than in the general population.  Asperger’s Syndrome can also delay maturation, which can in turn delay the formation of key traits of identity, including gender identity.

I am extremely analytic; I do not devote all my time to the here and now.  The grass is greener halfway across the Universe.  I am also very rational, which is why people are often shocked to learn that I bend gender.  While I might be clueless about what other people actually think about me, my attention to detail allows me to transform myself into a passable woman.

I am only now getting a good handle on the subjective qualities of life.  Asperger’s Syndrome is the reason why I did not come out until 1989, at age 47, and why I did not go full-time until 2005.  I had to go through periods of cautious trial-and-error to find myself.

There was once a prediction (by our therapist) that I could only crossdress for a few days, before I got tired of it all and switched back to male-mode.  I once thought I was bigendered, where dutiful alternating of gender was the best idea.  However, one day in 2005, I came home and did not change my clothes.  It did not seem monumental, but my wife noticed immediately.

Occasionally, I still have to dress as a man in some situation.  In the meantime, my mental gender has reversed itself.  I do not like having to switch back to male-mode.  I prefer wearing dresses and skirts all day long, and I like being taken for a woman.  I actually feel more powerful and confident, and many social issues, such as persistent stammering, are no longer that big a problem.

I can be quite grumpy when dressed as a man, and there can also be the loss of many necessities, which conveniently fit in my over-sized purse, including the anti-tank rifle.

There is always a question about how well I pass, and how feminine I am.  My wife sees things one way, and others see things another way.  I cannot tell, because I always seem to be myself.  I now go almost everywhere with my wife as Romana; for the most part, we do not seem to be the target of stares.  I do use the women’s restroom, and I have never had a restroom incident.

My analytical nature helps me find creative ways to bend gender.  It has also helped to have had seven laser beard treatments, and endless hours of electrolysis.  Due to back problems, I shrunk from 5’ 11” to 5’ 8”, and my surgeon gave me shapely artificial knees.  I am one of the lucky ones, without any visible Adam’s apple.  Above all, I have a great deal of confidence and create the impression that I am presenting myself the way I am supposed to be.

This is not easy for my wife, who often stops and suddenly asks explain again why we are this way.  I am no longer required to be Dennis on Valentine’s Day or on our anniversary.  Sometimes my wife tells me what the boundaries are in round-about ways, but I continually test the boundaries.  I seldom get permission to progress.

There is also guilt, which can go both ways.  I can feel guilty about not being the man my wife married and about pushing boundaries.  My wife can feel guilty about not letting me fully be who I am supposed to be.  While there are other couples like us, we are all different, and there are no helpful road maps whatsoever.  Also, since I have Asperger’s Syndrome, it is not just about gender identity for us; I can easily push almost any boundary.

We have an additional complication, since my wife became physically disabled late in 2005.  I had to step in and do many everyday tasks that she could no longer manage.  Quite literally, I have turned into a housewife.  I do not get accolades for my cooking; for me, it is pretty much boring.  First I was discarded by Boeing, now I am a high-powered analyst stuck with all these menial household chores.

There are a lot of imposed rules I do not like.  I can get into trouble for mentioning Romana while dressed as Dennis.  This can be dangerous risk-taking, an embarrassing revelation (for my wife,) the natural tilt to Romana in social situations, or genuine interest on the part of my audience.  Since I have Asperger’s Syndrome, I cannot read body language to measure the impact of what I am saying.  These people are not strangers; they are my wife’s relatives, acquaintances, and people from her LDS church.  There are no restrictions for my friends and for the churches that I attend.

Finding my correct gender has helped me to mature.  I am catching up.  I have taken up philosophy, specifically, Process Philosophy.  I am hoping to be a great transwoman philosopher.  In contrast to the problem marriage of politics and psychology, Process Philosophy explores reality in a meaningful way, and integrates existence, diversity, physics, evolution, purpose, and even God into a cohesive model.

My journey has been slow and filled with all sorts of revelations I did not want to know.  I once thought I would be a great GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) activist, but I retired.  Since I am autistic, I simply do not possess such social skills.  I am a consummate crossdresser, but I also have to admit that I am transsexually-orientated.  While I am technically always in transition, I have to pick alterations that are far less epic than those that many transsexuals go through.  However, I do understand the problems and points-of-view of a wide range of trans-persons.

So, how can we as trans-persons get respect?   Our numbers are significant, but not overwhelming.  That might not be so bad, but we are also splintered into factions who continually fight about who are the correct or relevant people.  There are even many affected persons who deny being members of our oppressed camp.

We need a bargaining chip; we need respect.  We need tactical weapons.  After all, we represent the least violent segment of society, so who else should be entrusted with such power?  We know weapons can be used for good; this is why they exist in the first place.  We have cleverly infiltrated society, so we can be immune to counter-attack.  We can also maintain a sense of safe and sane femininity by painting all the weapons casings pink.